I remember, on your last visit, I intentionally asked him what he made of you. Guess what he told me. “Will my opinion change anything?” he asked. “What matters is what you think about her and what you two will do to become the ideal couple you would want to be,” he added thoughtfully.
But my mother is the polar opposite of my father. She often has something to say. In fact, on the three occasions, she gave different remarks and I think it will not be bad to share her thoughts with you, especially now that things are getting better.
The first time we visited, she was somewhat ambivalent about our relationship. She actually didn’t know you much, but that did not stop her from drawing a hasty conclusion about you. Like many Ghanaians, she reviews books by looking at their covers.
She asked how I was going to cope with this “high time girl.” You see, rural folks are quite apprehensive of ladies from the city. So when their sons return to the village with a lady from the city, they get worried, even when they cannot voice it. That was her first worry, and your appearance seemed to have corroborated her long-held suspicion. She was not impressed with your dress code, which incidentally happened to be my main headache immediately you accepted my proposal.
“We all know she is beautiful and has the type of skin we will feel reluctant to touch until we have washed our hands,” she began. “But must she show the parts that should remain hidden to the rest of the world? Is that not meant for you alone? Or is that how you city people dress?...”
Serwaa, I had to interpose midway through her bombardment of questions, explaining that down south was so cold and that you found it difficult to cope with the blistering heat of the savannah sun. But she was still not satisfied. And if you could remember, I intensified my attention on your dress code ever since we returned from our first visit.
Let me make it clear that I was not acting just because of the pressure from my mother. No! I am a man of my own, and though I take her advice as to how to behave in a relationship, I always think through what she tells me and sift her opinions very well.
But my mother’s opinion about you is not only negative.
Serwaa, you did something at our first visit that impressed me so much that I wish my mother knew it was genuine. You resisted protests from my sisters and helped to tidy up the compound before my mother even woke up to blame me for not allowing you to rest after that torturous journey. Your active participation in the household chores wormed your way into my mother’s heart but she still thought it was my initiative.
“She has actually listened to you and did everything you people rehearsed before coming,” she remarked sarcastically the night before we left. She didn’t know that you did everything you did at your own volition and that I was pleasantly surprised the way you fitted into the family as though we grew up together. She was surprised when I told her I had no hand in that. She and my sisters have not stopped praising you for that behaviour.
I have told you before that the success of our relationship and our marriage will depend on people and factors beyond the two of us. And although my father has not said anything openly about you, my mother gives me the impression that you have earned their appreciation and admiration, especially when they compare you with other would-be brides from the city.
In fact, they were highly prejudiced against you. “When I saw her, what came to mind was Atanga’s city girl,” my mother later confided in me after she told me she was wrong in judging you before knowing you.
Atanga was a young man from Bongo, who returned from the university with a lady he intended to marry. This lady came from the city and behaved as though the rest of the people in the village were 5th century folks. She did not taste any of their foods and would not drink from the borehole. When her bottled water got finished, Atanga had to travel to Bolgatanga to buy her drinking water.
The story, which is often told with some kind of exaggeration, has it that Atanga’s father one day called his son and asked him to choose between him (his father) and the lady.
“If your would-be spouse has no regard for your parents, don’t think he or she would buy you for a cowry,” he told him. But Atanga did not face any difficulty calling the relationship quits. The lady in question ended the relationship immediately they got back to the city.
In fact, every household in Bongo knows the story about Atanga’s city lady and some parents in my area often advised their children against marrying from the city. But I think you have vindicated me. And you have paved way for other young men who want to make their choices outside their communities and regions to go ahead without resistance.
“I sometimes think she is someone from my own womb,” my mother said of you on our last visit. “It is not about where they come as we used to think. It is the character of the person. How they were trained.”
Serwaa, the message I’m trying to put across is that many parents still have prejudices about where someone is bred. Relationships still fail because of hostile attitudes of parents of either one or both sides of the relationship. But I think it is often the fault of those in the relationship.
Our elders say a man who is to be eaten does not oil himself and sit by fire. Sometimes the behaviour of the pair in the relationship often aggravate these prejudices, which are sometimes unfounded. To some extent, my father was right when he asked whether his opinion would change anything. But in most cases the opinion of parents about their child’s choice matters a lot, especially when the opinion is negative and so strong that it leads to opposition.
For now we cannot wish away ethnic prejudices in our country, especially at a time when politicians are not tired of reminding us how different we are in their quest to stay in power. But I believe if every lady or young man behaves like you, then no parent would have the cause to worry about their son or daughter marrying into another culture. And one does not treat parents and families of one’s lover with contempt. It’s disastrous for any relationship.
The story of Atanga’s city lady spread like wild fire in the harmattan in and around Bongo. Though not everybody will hear about yours, I have no doubt that my kinsmen and kinswomen in Bongo Beo and its environs have had their prejudices about city ladies wiped.
And more importantly, you’re my mother’s heartbeat. “Only a foolish man will mistreat such a well-behaved woman,” she concluded after advising me to take good care of you. Is it not wonderful to have such backing and support from your in-laws to be?
Serwaa, I love you and will continue to cherish you. You have proven that you’re a truly a wise woman and I will not be foolish to mistreat you.
Yours truly,
Manasseh. (www.myjoyonline.com)
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